“My heart it just ain’t right,
But I try with my might.” -Elle King
Heard these lyrics in a song and they stung. But in a good way. I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling like my heart just ain’t right.. and sometimes it’s easy to recieve grace and move along.
Other times though, feelings of guilt, confusion, and insecurity take over. A sense of being lost as to how to get back on track creeps in. It sort of feels like a wheel that’s stuck in super thick mud.
However, thank God for the gift of wisdom and being able to be awakened by awareness of “the why”. Even when the answer doesn’t totally make sense….external circumstances are inevitable, but in the past being able to rise above situations out of my control and keep going was not a huge challenge.
This time has been different.
This overwhelming presence of resistance has sat into my heart that has been difficult to shake. With it, I’ve judged myself. I’ve felt guilty for being down, for not having the faith to just brush it off, and for telling myself I shouldn’t be in this place.
I’ve judged others for having these picture perfect lives without ever having to (in my mind) struggle.
I’ve held onto resentments from past offenses or unmet expectations that have literally made my body ache.
I’ve compared my life and progress with those who’s stories aren’t meant to be mine.
And through this I am learning that I am slowly losing myself.
Losing some joy,
Some hope,
Some direction,
Some love.
And my spirit has felt that wound.
But I am not alone in experiencing a heartsick experience like this.
And in order for healing to be welcomed there must be an acceptance of:
1. This is where I’m at and that’s ok.
2. My journey is my own, no one else’s.
3. Most things are out of my control.
4. In order to get this wheel moving once again, I’ll need some help.
There also needs to be a “letting go”.
1. I’ll need to let go of the gas pedal…
2. I’ll also have to be willing to remove the objects, thoughts, and limitations as to what got me stuck in the first place.
3. And finally, letting go of the expectations I place on myself and my relationships… the voice that tells me I should be in a different place that I am.
Because I know if my foot keeps flooring the gas the way things are going right now, I’ll make an even bigger mess. One that would make life messier for myself and everyone around me.
Yes, my heart ain’t right. But with my might, I try. I search. And for those that value the Word, it says to ask, seek, knock…We must “die to ourselves” in order to have the life Jesus led. Die to our need to control, to fix, to compare, to understand all, to judge and condemn. Die to the things that harden our hearts and prevent us from being our naturally, free selves.
Our hearts our sick. We don’t truly know what we are doing or who we are all the time. We don’t know how to handle this beautiful, messy life. We don’t know how to truly love one another. But we are more than capable of learning. Applying. Changing. Transforming. Not perfectly, but in a way that makes a stubborn wheel stuck in mud move a little further. We must be open. We must be humble to acknowledge this and accept spiritual direction from something greater than ourselves.
Lauren M. Phillips 