Remember when we took that walk,
and our pup and your fishing pole tagged along…
I snapped pictures to find new inspiration, while you casted for food to fill our bellies.
I left with more thoughts to cloud my mind, while you left with empty hands.
The whole point was to fill our hearts with simple memories of time spent together,
But no matter what you say, even if you say every word I’d like to hear, it wouldn’t matter.
I wouldn’t believe you.
Part of me feels guilty for this, and feeling guilty builds resentment.
You see, I shouldn’t always have to be the one to ask to take that walk…
One day, maybe, you’ll ask me instead.
Then, you might catch a smile sneak on my face for no reason, other than in that moment,
I’ll finally start to believe again…
I want to be alive,
and I want the world to be alive.
But most importantly, I want the world to be alive in me.
To be free like the butterfly,
With no fear holding back the gift of life;
Just trusting in the wind…
So content with natural beauty.
I search for inspiration in the chaos,
but the room is dark.
I search for the light switch,
but I’m stumbling.
I clumsily walk in circles,
with the blind fold of guilt.
It cripples me.
I long for passion,
for the faith that never falters.
And when I’m lacking just the slightest bit…
I feel dirty.
I feel the opposite of what I long to be,
Even when there is only but a smudge of dirt.
The wind is like Your breath;
Breathing over and renewing parts of me that feel inadequate.
Each gust more present than the one before,
Reminding me I am right where I belong,
That I’m not walking on my own, but surrounded by Love on every angle.
I remember, as I brush the hair that has blown across my face,
That you designed every aspect of me, internally and externally.
You know who I am in this moment,
Who’ve I’ve been before,
And You say “I will be with you always,”
Even into the parts unknown…
And though I try to go to deeper lengths to explain this momentary feeling,
I realize that what has been said is enough.
I am secure.
I am safe.
I am where I belong with the one who designed me.
I am with the One who controls the wind and lets it blow around me,
In hopes that I’d take just a moment to see this mystery.
I’ve met insecurity.
And she isn’t pleasant.
and so very cold.
She mocks me, and makes my heart wrenching, tear jerking, pain splitting feelings feel silly.
She fills spaces of my soft heart with hard untrusting thoughts.
She lies to me.
She tells me I’m incompatible with women on the screens and images that have taken over the hearts of men.
She calls ugly beautiful, and beautiful unworthy.
She thinks she has won.
But she hasn’t.
I am stronger.
I am true,
and I am real.
I find beauty in the parts that are mine to claim.
I look hard in the mirror,
in the center of my own eyes.
I acknowledge that there is a deepness in who I am and what I’ve seen.
No one can look through these eyes of mine.
No one can see things in the exact form that I have seen.
No one can live this life that I’ve been given.
I find beauty in that truth.
This makes me content, but empowered.
Steady, but moved.
Insecurity was not meant for me.
It has no home inside of me.
I have met her, but I do not choose her.
This power rests with me.
To love like Jesus,
not color blindly, but in all colors.
Seeing each as unique and wonderfully made,
with different shades of God’s beautiful creation.
To look into eyes and see compassion, not differences.
To have a heart to serve, and not be served.
To allow people to be their true selves, instead of holding expectations that they must rise too.
To have the humility to remain calm and true to your nature, instead of reacting in anger that will soon be regretted.
To meet someone where they are at, and do what you can in action to be there for them.
To grieve for others that are self destructing, while having a heart to move to bring them to truth in the most gentle way.
To show kindness beyond measure, through persecution and hate, having a love that will never change or falter.