I search for inspiration in the chaos,
but the room is dark.
I search for the light switch,
but I’m stumbling.
I clumsily walk in circles,
with the blind fold of guilt.
It cripples me.
I long for passion,
for the faith that never falters.
And when I’m lacking just the slightest bit…
I feel dirty.
I feel the opposite of what I long to be,
Even when there is only but a smudge of dirt.
The wind is like Your breath;
Breathing over and renewing parts of me that feel inadequate.
Each gust more present than the one before,
Reminding me I am right where I belong,
That I’m not walking on my own, but surrounded by Love on every angle.
I remember, as I brush the hair that has blown across my face,
That you designed every aspect of me, internally and externally.
You know who I am in this moment,
Who’ve I’ve been before,
And You say “I will be with you always,”
Even into the parts unknown…
And though I try to go to deeper lengths to explain this momentary feeling,
I realize that what has been said is enough.
I am secure.
I am safe.
I am where I belong with the one who designed me.
I am with the One who controls the wind and lets it blow around me,
In hopes that I’d take just a moment to see this mystery.
I’ve met insecurity.
And she isn’t pleasant.
and so very cold.
She mocks me, and makes my heart wrenching, tear jerking, pain splitting feelings feel silly.
She fills spaces of my soft heart with hard untrusting thoughts.
She lies to me.
She tells me I’m incompatible with women on the screens and images that have taken over the hearts of men.
She calls ugly beautiful, and beautiful unworthy.
She thinks she has won.
But she hasn’t.
I am stronger.
I am true,
and I am real.
I find beauty in the parts that are mine to claim.
I look hard in the mirror,
in the center of my own eyes.
I acknowledge that there is a deepness in who I am and what I’ve seen.
No one can look through these eyes of mine.
No one can see things in the exact form that I have seen.
No one can live this life that I’ve been given.
I find beauty in that truth.
This makes me content, but empowered.
Steady, but moved.
Insecurity was not meant for me.
It has no home inside of me.
I have met her, but I do not choose her.
This power rests with me.
To love like Jesus,
not color blindly, but in all colors.
Seeing each as unique and wonderfully made,
with different shades of God’s beautiful creation.
To look into eyes and see compassion, not differences.
To have a heart to serve, and not be served.
To allow people to be their true selves, instead of holding expectations that they must rise too.
To have the humility to remain calm and true to your nature, instead of reacting in anger that will soon be regretted.
To meet someone where they are at, and do what you can in action to be there for them.
To grieve for others that are self destructing, while having a heart to move to bring them to truth in the most gentle way.
To show kindness beyond measure, through persecution and hate, having a love that will never change or falter.
Burning eyes from tiredness and passion,
longing heart reaching for a hand to show compassion.
Pacing strides, to find a way to help minds come alive,
but they don’t see that their future can be more than trying to survive.
It’s stuck in a vicious cycle that must find a way to change,
Chains need breaking for new things to be rearranged.
Though this journey has been exhausting, empathy will not stop.
Appreciation will not be recipricated, but it won’t keep me from moving forward to the top.
On the peak of the mountain I’ll stand,
Happy and proud, but my heart still looks down at the land.
I’ll thank the Creator for using me with all of His might,
While I make my way back down for another good fight.
My words may sound silly and often times too quickly expressed, without a deep-driven process of thoughts. But they are honest, and that should mean something. And honestly, everything.
It’s as if I was a newborn infant,
With eyes that opened to see these remarkable things for the first time.
Of course I had seen them before, but now they were more beautiful.
But now with more radiance and smiles.
It’s as if my mind now focused in on the miraculous parts of life, than before.
The words God speaks are now definite, and I believe every word,
that is both terrifyingly good and brings the greatest joy.
To walk in my purpose is the current adventure…
Now, even though the awakening is not as new, remembering it’s presence keeps me going.
Because I understand it is a process,
and God is patient.
A valley is simply, just a valley.
There is another side and part that my physical eyes cannot see.
My heart knows that God is always three steps ahead with arms stretched out, awaiting for my clumsy baby steps to turn into confident strides in his infinite plan.
This valley of dryness is not hopeless, for an abundance of flowing water is coming.