Numb

I can’t explain how I feel…

Everything just seems numb.

I’m hurt, I suppose.

Falling into a hole that I myself dug,

I don’t even have enough energy to find a way out.

So I sit in self-pity…

Disgusted.

Yea, that’s a start to explain somewhat how I feel.

but still trying to figure out if it’s with myself or with you…

Not sure what I should do.

I don’t need you, and right now I’m not even sure if I want you.

I know I love you,

but how far does love go until it’s run you ragged?

I’m pretty positive that love is much more peaceful than this.

My heart hurts, that’s for sure.

For being in this situation, and seeing you have to fight this battle without knowing what to do to get to the other side.

but honestly, I haven’t felt it in my heart or seen with my eyes you put forth hard-earned effort to see different patterns. 

That concerns me. 

And this world and it’s people will tell you that certain things are normal and to just accept it.

but you and I are wiser than that.

I don’t want to settle in walls of distrust.

I don’t want to spend days and moments of self-doubt and paranoia.

Though in the past I didn’t care about whether or not I was in that state forever, I’ve learned to care more about myself.

Anxiety isn’t something that should come natural, it’s a pattern from past experiences and now I have to find ways to overcome it.

So I pray and I seek His voice, and that helps if I listen. 

I need to start listening…

Swish-Swash

Swish-Swash

Like the flutter of paint brush bristles 

dancing across a naked canvas,

bringing it to new life with each blotted color.

The colors telling stories of pain and laughter, or joy and sadness…

From the tear streaks of blue gliding down the page,

to the splatter of bright orange from a fresh start or happy ending…

To the mixture of colors that tell of confusion,

to the point where the colors are more distinct from clarity and wisdom.

Each point meshing and molding into one being,

together complete and a beautiful mess.

But all the same a beautiful creation,

a masterpiece. 

All.for.You.

Life gets busy,

and it’s hard. 

so hard.

my feet get sore. 

I can’t go on…

Sometimes it seems.
my thoughts get blurred, 

everything gets hazy.

I’m thankful though,

that you help me see…

so differently.
when the weight is on,

and I feel I’m drowning,

I remember I’m not alone.

your here. 

your near.

so closer than I know.

and I feel it in my bones.  
when I zoom out and refocus,

my fuzzy thoughts become more clear.

these things that are kept locked up,

 aren’t things I have to do.

a spark of joy shoots through me,

as I remember there all for you.

Exploration of Trust 

Trust.

Why is it so scary?

Why does it make my shoulders cringe?

All I really want is to be open,

Embraced,

And exposed.

But trust…

It’s hard.

I’m fearful.

But I want to let go.

Why can’t I? 

What’s stopping me?

Why are people so deceitful that even the good ones get ruined by our own illusions?

Why illusions at all?

Possibly from hurt?

Possibly from failure?

Or not measuring up?

Why even ask these questions, when they’re followed by more painful questions in the form of answers?

I’ll stop there.

Love Letter 1

Dear love,

Thank you for wanting nothing but happiness to live in my spirit.

Genuineness is hard to come by. 

Thank you for putting yourself always before me. Teaching me. Guiding me. Protecting me. Always wanting the best for me. 

Selflessness is something rare, and is of purest intention. I’m thankful that you give it off and teach me more about it daily. 

Thank you for your patience, though sometimes I don’t acknowledge it. We both know how stubborn and hard-headed I can be, but you still wait. You still love. You still pursue. 

Your love has no limits, and I’ll always be grateful for that. Or at least I’ll try to remember to be…

When things get challenging, it’s hard to stay focused. It’s hard to remember that your there, near, and able to love me through it. But you are witty like that. You put people, and places, and memories right back in my train of thought or days, at the most perfect times, to get me back on track. To remember the purpose. To help me see things differently. 

This life is not even life without you… 

I just want you to know that.

I’ll always want you right here by my side, even when it doesn’t seem like it. 

I love you, and I want to learn how to love you more each day. 

With all my heart,

Lauren ♡

Who I Am

no excuses 

no lies

because this is who I am.

no hiding

no games

because this is who I am.

no fear 

no shame 

because this is who I am.

laughter 

& joy

because this is who I am.

overcomer

& dreamer

because this is who I am. 

daughter 

& lover 

because this is who I am.

unique 

& brave

because this is who I am. 

I am not a product of what I’ve done, 

but of who You say I am. 

You say I’m loved,

so that is who I am.